Thoughts on a run

Hei alle saman, nokon gonger klarar eg å uttrykka meg betre på engelsk. I dag vart eg litt språkforvirra merkar eg (eg les engelse bøker for tida ser du) denne teksten kom ut av meg på engelsk. Håpar det går greit for dykk, viss ikkje kan eg oversetta den. Sei i frå om du vil lesa den på norsk, det er litt longt altså.

Today on my morning-run I realized a couple of things. For once: that I hadn’t been running for over a year. And that I had missed it. Even though it`s not something I really enjoy, it is an activity that increases my quality of life. And who doesn’t want that? Secondly, I aimed some of my thought towards God, something I hadn’t done I a long while either. And I have to say, I had truly missed that as well.. Then on my way back home, I had slowed down, cause I`m not really in good shape. I realized a third thing. That my burdens such as being scared of flying, and my currant depression are quite similar. How can I then use a burden that I have managed to control these past years (flight-scared) to regain control over the depression taking hold of me right now? 

I recently commented some handy tips to another blogger. On how to get your fright of flight under control. On my run this morning, I realized that this very run could symbolize a flight. And ways to get through it could be easily compared to my tips to my blog-friend. 

The flight is not something I enjoy, but it will get me where I want to go.

The run is not something that I very much enjoy either, but it will get me, and by body to a state that I wish to be in; healthier. 

I can`t stop flying just because It is uncomfortable, then I will let fear ruin and control my life. And that is not something I would want? NO.

I can`t stop running, just because it is uncomfortable, then I will let depression control my life. I should keep on doing the things that takes me step by step towards happiness. 

I have now, for a long period of time wanted to go running. It’s a feeling that I`ve longed for. But my body just haven’t obeyed my will. That is ok, but by taking the step today. I think I am ready to get a routine on it. And incorporate runs into my life again. I know that this is important for my fight against depression. It’s the only point in the “survival-trinity” that I`ve struggled to even start on. And I think that is why I haven’t seen any great recovery yet. Today was a start of that recovery I`ve been longing for, for over a year! And I looked myself in the mirror and said to myself: “I did it! I finally did it! For over a year I`ve been longing to run.” 

Not because I like it, because I need it. 

The survival-trinity is simple: Eat, sleep and exercise. If not it all goes to hell.(quote;Virravarr)

Most people do these things normally and without any specific worry. But being depressed, they are all big challenges to me. Eating, has been the easiest though, but still hard to eat enough meals in a day. If my sick side could choose, I`d live on one meal a day.  Sleep has been a menace. I haven’t been able to get rest at all some nights. And if I have managed to sleep for some nights, I`ve had exhausting dreams and wake up scared, sweaty and unrested. I don’t know how to fix this, but I know that it might get better if I keep the exercise up. To stay active has been my biggest challenge. I haven’t had any motivation, or spare energy to even step out of the house. Why should I run or ride the bike? But now, I finally see the value. And I think I might get my sparkle back. And hopefully I`ll be a stronger person in the end. 

Being scared of flying has thought me so much. Both about myself, and others. It has given me some understanding to people who suffers from anxieties, and fears. It has made me more focused and meditative in situations that scare me. I`ve learned much about air planes, hehe.  And now I can draw knowledge into my mental state from it. I am glad that crap like fear, can be used for something useful. Fear is just a waste of energy. But the tools for dealing with it are valuable. Fear of flying is something that my mom also suffers from, and that fact has made me even more determined to conquer it and prevail from the boundaries of fear. I want to break the chain of fear. 

And I want to break depression. 

-Maria